Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Emotional Sabbatical
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Precious Life
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Mental Mayhem
Mine doesn't stop- twisting and turning, analyzing and assessing- each tiny detail of any and every emotion attemptedly interpreted and cataloged.
A blessing and a curse- for this is what I enjoy so much about humanity, heightening my own understanding to our differences, our structure, our makeup- what experiences and circumstances define us, knowingly or otherwise.
What path did you take to reach where you are today? What variables affected who you are and how you process your senses? Why are we each allowed such a uniquely natural ability to decipher this world? To me- it's an essence of life, the attempt to understand others.
I'm not asking you agree with me, nor I you, but to understand the reasoning and rationale behind the decisions we make and the actions we take, well it's important to me- how else does one set a foundation to create a valid stance and opinion about our own moral code?
I don't understand why you do what you do- so show me.
I don't understand why you say what you say- so explain it to me.
Help me pick it apart. Show me how. Allow me to see.
The problem is, even if you try to live life in this way, frustratingly running the play on repeat in mind's eye; you often remain burdened by misunderstanding.
It is this lack of conclusiveness that drives me mad- having been left in an intrusively introspective state- accosting myself of a blindness to the seemingly apparent- which instead brews a rather self-deprecating pot of internal speculation and disconnected, emotional chaos.
There is no resolution I've found, no cure to this disease that is endless thought and wonder. I suppose like anything else, it takes an active reminder of one's worth- both of others, and of self, to keep a lid on it all, simmering an anxiety of the unknown and harboring rather the genuinity of a curious nature.
Maybe everyone feels this way, maybe only women, or maybe, just maybe, it's only lucky me :)
Saturday, January 21, 2012
The Story of An Hour
My favorite short story was written in the late 19th century by an author named Kate Chopin. She wrote many short stories as well as a short novel entitled "The Awakening," which I adore, but her "The Story of An Hour" piece has stuck with me for years- I hope you enjoy.
"The Story of An Hour"
Kate Chopin (1894)
Knowing that Mrs. Mallard was afflicted with a heart trouble, great care was taken to break to her as gently as possible the news of her husband's death.
It was her sister Josephine who told her, in broken sentences; veiled hints that revealed in half concealing. Her husband's friend Richards was there, too, near her. It was he who had been in the newspaper office when intelligence of the railroad disaster was received, with Brently Mallard's name leading the list of "killed." He had only taken the time to assure himself of its truth by a second telegram, and had hastened to forestall any less careful, less tender friend in bearing the sad message.
She did not hear the story as many women have heard the same, with a paralyzed inability to accept its significance. She wept at once, with sudden, wild abandonment, in her sister's arms. When the storm of grief had spent itself she went away to her room alone. She would have no one follow her.
There stood, facing the open window, a comfortable, roomy armchair. Into this she sank, pressed down by a physical exhaustion that haunted her body and seemed to reach into her soul.
She could see in the open square before her house the tops of trees that were all aquiver with the new spring life. The delicious breath of rain was in the air. In the street below a peddler was crying his wares. The notes of a distant song which some one was singing reached her faintly, and countless sparrows were twittering in the eaves.
There were patches of blue sky showing here and there through the clouds that had met and piled one above the other in the west facing her window.
She sat with her head thrown back upon the cushion of the chair, quite motionless, except when a sob came up into her throat and shook her, as a child who has cried itself to sleep continues to sob in its dreams.
She was young, with a fair, calm face, whose lines bespoke repression and even a certain strength. But now there was a dull stare in her eyes, whose gaze was fixed away off yonder on one of those patches of blue sky. It was not a glance of reflection, but rather indicated a suspension of intelligent thought.
There was something coming to her and she was waiting for it, fearfully. What was it? She did not know; it was too subtle and elusive to name. But she felt it, creeping out of the sky, reaching toward her through the sounds, the scents, the color that filled the air.
Now her bosom rose and fell tumultuously. She was beginning to recognize this thing that was approaching to possess her, and she was striving to beat it back with her will--as powerless as her two white slender hands would have been. When she abandoned herself a little whispered word escaped her slightly parted lips. She said it over and over under her breath: "free, free, free!" The vacant stare and the look of terror that had followed it went from her eyes. They stayed keen and bright. Her pulses beat fast, and the coursing blood warmed and relaxed every inch of her body.
She did not stop to ask if it were or were not a monstrous joy that held her. A clear and exalted perception enabled her to dismiss the suggestion as trivial. She knew that she would weep again when she saw the kind, tender hands folded in death; the face that had never looked save with love upon her, fixed and gray and dead. But she saw beyond that bitter moment a long procession of years to come that would belong to her absolutely. And she opened and spread her arms out to them in welcome.
There would be no one to live for during those coming years; she would live for herself. There would be no powerful will bending hers in that blind persistence with which men and women believe they have a right to impose a private will upon a fellow-creature. A kind intention or a cruel intention made the act seem no less a crime as she looked upon it in that brief moment of illumination.
And yet she had loved him--sometimes. Often she had not. What did it matter! What could love, the unsolved mystery, count for in the face of this possession of self-assertion which she suddenly recognized as the strongest impulse of her being!
"Free! Body and soul free!" she kept whispering.
Josephine was kneeling before the closed door with her lips to the keyhold, imploring for admission. "Louise, open the door! I beg; open the door--you will make yourself ill. What are you doing, Louise? For heaven's sake open the door."
"Go away. I am not making myself ill." No; she was drinking in a very elixir of life through that open window.
Her fancy was running riot along those days ahead of her. Spring days, and summer days, and all sorts of days that would be her own. She breathed a quick prayer that life might be long. It was only yesterday she had thought with a shudder that life might be long.
She arose at length and opened the door to her sister's importunities. There was a feverish triumph in her eyes, and she carried herself unwittingly like a goddess of Victory. She clasped her sister's waist, and together they descended the stairs. Richards stood waiting for them at the bottom.
Some one was opening the front door with a latchkey. It was Brently Mallard who entered, a little travel-stained, composedly carrying his grip-sack and umbrella. He had been far from the scene of the accident, and did not even know there had been one. He stood amazed at Josephine's piercing cry; at Richards' quick motion to screen him from the view of his wife.
When the doctors came they said she had died of heart disease--of the joy that kills.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Bahá'í & the Bigot
After a short reprive from the heat and my feet, I was soon joined by a fellow, similarly schvitzy suite mate. Being the curious conversationalist that I am, we fell into a polite, light-hearted discussion, him starring at his patch of ceiling, me at mine.
To have borrowed my senses, you would've had the courtesy of introduction to the stench produced by a 6'5, 300 lb. traveler from the southern French countryside- a city called Grenoble. My judgement was immediate, and shamefully unkind. This man was large, smelly, and spoke in harsh, botched English. Needless to say I didn't see us becoming fast friends.
I was wrong.
We began a conversation which has been burned in my brain forever since. He handed me a card- on it, a word I hadn't seen before. On the back, a description I wanted answers to.
Bahá'í was the word, and a synopsis of its doctrine embellished the card's backside. Over the course of the evening, language barrier becoming a source of both amusement and frustration, he spoke of his beliefs, his desire for spiritual unity for mankind, of a collective evolution and the need for a gradual establishment of peace, justice and unity on a global scale. He answered my questions with patience and opened my eyes to a core set of values I now both respected and understood.
The next morning he was gone. His case replaced with a small blue backpack, in his bed a blonde, handsome young thing I decided was much more suitable a friend.
I was wrong.
After an accepted invitation on his part to a bistro near the Trevi, which I was dying to see at night, we dined. During our meal I found myself heavy-handedly filling my wine glass, with varied expressions of disbelief and boredom. This boy was a bigot at best, his homophobic, racist perspective made clear well before the bread arrived.
I had the better time suffocating in Rome's smallest hostel with a stinky man I'd learned and grown from than dining with a view of the world's most spectacular fountain, with a handsome boy I found utterly replusive.
Oh how wrong our judgments can often be. I thank them both, for the lesson of their difference.
Red for Red

Sprinkles Cupcakes are the first established Cupcake bakery in LA- known for their cute little button tops and phenomenal variety, they're always fun to gobble down! Find out all about their yummy flavors here-http://www.sprinkles.com/
The reason behind this sweet cupcake delivery is the the release of 20th Century Fox new film Red Tails starring Terrence Howard & Cuba Gooding Jr. - The film tells the story of the Tuskegee Airmen, an all-black World War II fighter pilot squad sent to North Africa and Italy to escort white bomber pilots, consisting of some of the best fighter pilots in the Air Corps.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Sniffles
I felt it coming last week and did my best to fight it, but alas I lost. It's ferocity triumphed and here I lie, in a blanket of tissues- who simultaneously lost their own war with the increasingly pink tip of my schnoz.
With each tickle of the nose and teared eye, I feel the germ-infested transformation begin- turning me overnight into some hybrid human-boogeyman- and not the kind who hides under the bed inducing fear in children, no- the kind who whimpers after each blow upon relentless blow, a casualty of my samurai of a sinus infection.
With nothing to do but dab at my sniffer and exhaust my supply of Charmin, a new love has been born- the charming Masterpiece Classic series "Downton Abbey" has caught my heart. I'm in- hook, line and sinker obsessed. Tales of women in the throws of passion over dowry's gone awry, missing stable boys and an all too mischievous house staff, well, I can't seem to get enough. I guess I'll chalk it up as the one good thing to come from this unwelcome surrender of my body into the jaws of the germs today.